At the moment Caleb is occupied watching Bubble Guppies and playing with a couple hundred monster truck toys and little miss Ella is snoozing away in her mamaRoo. I just finished up doing what seems like the never ending amounts of dishes and I'm on my second third cup of coffee.
Coffee is my new sleep these days.
[shirts by Still Rad Clothing]
Check them out! They were recently featured on Buzzfeed & they are a company that GENERALLY cares about their customers and them obtaining what they want. You won't regret it. :)
Anyway... I wanted to share my labor & delivery story while I have a few "spare" moments. Even though as I typed that little Ella made a grunt and a groan sound as if to signal to me, "mama, you don't have spare moments anymore!"
For those who follow my blog and have since I started it (about seven months ago right?) I was pretty adamant about my birth plan and what exactly I wanted to happen in terms of my labor and delivery. Of course what you want during labor and what you get is usually extremely different because any number of things can happen...
*******
The plan between my OB and I was to get my membranes stripped at 37 weeks. I would officially be full-term & I was already 4-5 cm dilated. My OB was convinced that this would do the trick and my exam was BEYOND excruciating. He called it the "million dollar exam" and apologized profusely for the pain he caused me. He advised me to go home, walk, squat, intercourse - YOU NAME IT.
Bring on the baby!
This was on July 2nd.
I literally tried EVERYTHING.
Eggplant parmesan. Fresh cut pineapple (which I ate enough to make my mouth hurt and feel like it was covered in blisters). Intercourse (gross). Birthing ball. Squats. Walking.
Fun fact: The day I had my membranes stripped it was raining. & crappy out. So I created a little obstacle course in my apartment with Caleb and we literally did this for a good hour or so. I purposely walked up and down my stairs. OVER AND OVER. I even tried castor oil, which tastes disgusting -- the label says odorless and tasteless but thats a load of crap -- Speaking of crap. That's all it made me do. Poop my brains out. No contractions. Nothing.
Nothing happened.
And I was aggravated to say the least.
And incredibly discouraged.
I basically gave myself the shits for nothing.
My four year wedding anniversary happened to be the same day as my 38 week OB appointment.
July 9, 2015 <3
How great would that be??! A baby on my anniversary?! <3
My OB was just as shocked as I was to see that I was still pregnant.
I was even more shocked that despite everything I had done to try and bring on labor there was absolutely no change.
No more cervical dilation.
BUT he did say he didn't know how my water hadn't broken.
Because it was "bulging against my cervix."
He did another membrane sweep & "stay as active as before".
We also discussed induction.
Legally they can't electively induce until 39 weeks, so the plan was that the following Friday,
July 17, 2015 I would head in to L&D he would break my water and deliver me between c-sections. It sounded like a plan to me, and I knew that obviously my original plan of going into a naturally induced labor wasn't going to happen. I was upset to say the least because it was something I really wanted to experience at least once, since this baby will more than likely be our last.
I left discouraged but happy that the end was in sight.
And I knew that every day she was baking in my belly that she was getting healthier.
And as painful as my pregnancy was, and as uncomfortable as I was 99% of the time, deep down I knew I would miss being pregnant when she did arrive. The kicks, the protection I could give her from the outside... I knew when it came down to it I would miss it for sure.
I called Ray when I got into the car and just cried. I had no cervical changes after putting myself into so much more pain by trying other measures. And because I just wanted things to go one way and they didn't. It was that "end of pregnancy, I have had enough already, get this baby outta me" stage. But I wasn't giving up. The end was in sight. And she would come when she was ready.
...whether it be before my induction date or on the date of induction.
********
I was going to enjoy my last days of pregnancy with Ray and Caleb.
July 10th, we hit the nature trail by my house.
We also went on the 9th, but we got a gnarly storm that cut our walk short...
& by short I mean like we were there less than 10 minutes and the sky opened up.
As though Mother Nature was saying, "it's not happening sister".
(we did this on the 11th and 12th too)
(the last picture? Caleb is doing the Nae Nae ;) and I'm being serious)
Lots of hills. Lots of walking.
It was unbelievably hot out.
But we also got to feed the ducks who are entirely too friendly and comfortable with people.
July 12th.
Ray hurt his finger... I have no clue how.
But he did. All of a sudden he couldn't move it.
He couldn't touch it without cringing.
It was swollen. He assumed it was an ingrown finger nail.
We put Caleb to bed in undies - because we are trying to fully finish up potty-training.
We were laying in bed watching Netflix.
Grey's Anatomy I think?
Ray just kept complaining that his finger hurt.
And eventually after midnight he went to the ER.
July 13, 2015.
Around 1:15-1:30 am I woke up and checked my phone because Ray wasn't home yet.
He had a bad infection in his finger the doctor sliced it open drained it, blah blah.
He would be home soon.
Around 2:30 in the morning he finally got home.
Caleb had woken up and coincidentally had an accident, so I was in his bedroom when Ray got home. As I was standing there, I felt something weird.
Like something came out, not a gush. But something.
Since I had never had my water break on its on, I didn't know what to expect.
Ray asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing, it just feels weird."
I thought it was just typical pregnancy nastiness.
The end is full of gross fluids, discharge, and just all around disgusting bodily things.
Pregnancy isn't always pretty.
I laid down after getting Caleb changed.
New sheets. The whole nine-yards.
I kept feeling like something was coming out of me.
I went pee and it didn't seem out of the ordinary but I did have to change a pad.
Laid back down.
Contractions.
4-5 minutes apart.
More stuff coming out.
Went to the bathroom again.
Had to change my pad.
Contractions.
Did my water break? Is that what this is?
I had no idea.
So I tried laying down again.
The contractions were brutal.
More fluid.
Soaked pad.
Noticed some blood in the toilet.
Stuff leaking out of me.
MY WATER HAD DEFINITELY BROKE.
NOT FULLY. NOT YET.
BUT IT WAS LEAKING.
It was around 3:15 I think.
Ray had literally just started snoring.
"Babe....Babe...Babe.. BABE!!!!!"
"What the hell. What's wrong?"
"MY WATER BROKE!"
I shit you not, he responded with,
"Are you friggin kidding me right now?"
LOL. He had literally JUST LEFT the hospital we would be going back to.
I called my OB office. And waited for a call back.
I was praying it was Dr. Ott on call.
He was who I wanted to deliver Ella.
No One Else.
He was who was with me throughout my ENTIRE pregnancy.
From beginning to end.
Ray was completely out of it.
And half asleep.
"Call mom then, let her know to come up."
Never mind that I could barely breathe from the pain.
I would call her, LOL.
I called my mother in law in the meantime to come up and be here for when Caleb woke up in the morning. I swear it felt like hours before she got here and she lives right behind us.
The pain I was in? Was unbearable.
I was squatting next to my bed and CRYING it hurt so bad.
Ray knew that this was it, and he handled things pretty well considering.
Dr. Ott called me back
Thank God.
He would be delivering Ella.
As long as. I had her before 6:30 am.
Because he had to be at Einstein Medical Center that day by 7:00 am.
It was already almost 3:45 am.
The hospital was only about 2-3 miles away.
My mother in law FINALLY got to the house.
After what seemed like FOREVER.
I didn't give her a chance to come upstairs, I told Ray, "lets go!"
and we just passed her on the way out.
As I went down the steps I could feel more fluid coming out and my legs and pants got wet.
This definitely was my water breaking more and more.
And it was so painful, not my water breaking but the contractions.
Oh my god, the worst pain I had EVER felt in my life.
And everything was SO close together.
She asked me something but I flew by her.
I heard her tell Ray, "well this is it. Good luck! Keep me posted."
I'm not really sure how, but I remembered a towel for the front seat of the car.
It was unbelievably painful. We live on the main road in town so there's stop lights every where. We hit three lights before I told Ray to go through them because the pain was unreal. Since he drives a police car he knows how to maneuver through and everything else, and if we got pulled over? A cop would need to deal with me being Satanic - the devil himself. Because there was no stopping.
I was literally groaning in pain. The three mile drive to the hospital? Felt like 300 miles.
We pulled up to the Emergency Room doors, and I got out so Ray could park.
I needed the wheelchair this time because my pants were getting soaked and my contractions were so close. I had no idea how I was even going to go natural.
By 4:15 am (you can see the clock) I was in my bed.
In ungodly amounts of pain.
But this was it. My water had broken.
It was time.
My baby girl would be here in no time.
I remember saying I wanted to labor at home even when my water broke.
It's funny how that goes out the window when it actually happens.
I remember saying I wanted my water to break at home so I could experience it.
It is so disgusting.
It's not like in the movies where there's a gush and it stops.
IT. IS. CONSTANT.
Constantly leaking out.
And it's not a trickle either.
It's disgusting amounts.
But it happened. Which is what I wanted.
I was 38 weeks + 4 days.
They weren't going to send me home.
I got checked and was 5 cm. Fully thinned out.
Was kinda shocked that I wasn't more than 5 cm but hey.
What can you do?
I literally turned into something from the exorcist.
Contractions... man... I can't even describe what they feel like.
Besides...SHIT.
They're just unbelievable.
Worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life...
Hands down.
Honestly, I don't know how my mom did it with all five of us.
I was literally climbing the bed in pain.
I was overheating. And the rag on my head kept falling off.
Ray kept giving me his hand to hold and I almost broke it because I was squeezing it so hard.
And for Ray to say "ow" when I'm squeezing his hand? Says a lot.
I was shaking the bed rails because I was gripping them so hard.
They say when you have contractions to breathe through them.
Not to fight the pain. Because that's the natural reaction our body goes through.
Fight the pain. Tense up.
It's impossible not to with this pain.
Apparently the pain was worse for me because of the scar tissue the baby had to break through on my cervix from the LEEP procedure I had to have done the June prior to that. So that was making it more painful than it would usually be.
Got checked again... 6 cm.
It was happening fast.
Dr. Ott arrives.
And checks me...
"Get me the hook to finish breaking her ... never mind."
My water literally finished breaking as he was checking me.
Even more pain.
I could feel the baby moving lower.
It was so terrible the pain.
They'd given me morphine through IV to try and take the edge off.
It did NOTHING.
SERIOUSLY.
Not. A. Thing.
Then I felt nauseous.
My nurse from L&D was incredible though.
She was my nurse the night I was there before all night long.
She helped me breathe through it because Ray didn't know what the hell to do.
He had never seen me in so much pain before.
The breathing exercises help. Temporarily but not for long.
The minute I would feel relief another one happened.
I apologized profusely to the nurses, my OB, and Ray for the exorcism that took over my body in the delivery room. LOL. They said I was surprisingly pleasant compared to some of the other women that came through those doors. That made me feel good.
I used one curse word the entire time and it was during one of the worst contractions. I yelled "FU*K" and then Ray made some comment to lighten the mood and I told him to "shut up" LOL. Which the nurses got a kick out of it.
I apologized to him right after though.
The contractions became too much for me... I couldn't focus on breathing and the pain was making feel like I was going to pass out. I kept holding my breath because the pain was so awful and it was going to begin affecting the baby so for her benefit as well as mine,
I ended up asking for the epidural.
Nobody was in yet. So they had to get in touch with the anesthesiologist on-call.
Good news? He was on his way. And would be there soon.
Bad news? My contractions were closer and I was 7 cm.
WAS I EVEN GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET IT IN TIME??!
It was around 5:15 am I wanna say.
Time didn't matter to me much.
Got checked right before the epidural... 8 cm.
Got the epidural and my anesthesiologist was incredible.
Best epidural I had ever gotten.
And at 8 cm with contractions 2 minutes apart I do not know how I didn't end up paralyzed from not sitting still. But apparently I stayed still.
And I felt like I was walking in the clouds.
5:50 am. Epidural done.
Kicked in and I was feeling wonderful.
As in, I felt absolutely nothing.
It was crazy.
Ray kept saying, "uhh did you feel that one?"
Nope. Not at all. Move along.
LOLOLOLOL.
Epidurals are amazing.
Whoever created them? Thank you, I love you.
My nurse said, "okay well now that your epidural is in, you try to rest. We will get you a little nap in for maybe an hour or so, because those earlier contractions took a lot out of you and you need the rest for when its time to get your baby girl out." <3
*****
It sounded good to me.
The pain had stopped thanks to this angelic epidural in my back.
The earlier contractions exhausted me.
But then I felt like I had to push.
There was no way it was time yet.
*****
"You are 9 3/4 cm dilated. You're gonna be pushing. The baby's head is right there.
Let me go get Dr. Ott."
*****
Let me just say, everything that I wanted while I was in labor - didn't really happen.
I wanted the mirror to watch her come out. I wanted pictures. LOL.
Nothing like that happened.
Ray had one job.
He failed, haha.
But with good reason. He actually watched Ella be born this time.
He glanced when Caleb's head was coming out and looked away. This time? Completely engulfed in the birth.
*****
"There's her head. Keep pushing. Come on Jenna. BIG PUSH. You're almost there."
In the middle of pushing I said, "does she have a lot of hair?"
"Reach down and feel her head."
And I did. <3 I felt my beautiful little girls head.
You think you'll be grossed out, but it was amazing.
"Jenna... I hate to do this. But I'll need to tap out and let Dr. Williams take over. Lets have this baby."
- Dr. Ott <3
*****
There was no way that Dr. Ott wasn't delivering my baby. Not after all this.
I refused to not have him deliver her.
And then...
*****
SHE WAS HERE.
Ella Denise Liczbinski
July 13, 2015 @ 6:37 am.
7 pounds 2 ounces and 19 inches long
<3 <3 <3 <3
The most beautiful, precious, angelic little baby girl graced my life with her presence.
All of the pain I had experienced went out the window.
Nothing else mattered.
Not a single thing.
She was here with me.
As perfect as ever.
More perfect than I could ever imagined or dreamt.
After having my water break around 2:45 am.
Getting to the hospital at 4:00 am.
And finally hearing her first cries at 6:37 am.
She was finally here.
*****
It's amazing as how all the things prior to your baby being born seem non existent once they finally arrive. All that pain I felt with contractions. The heartburn I endured for months. Preterm labor. Hospital stays. Swelling. Round ligament pain. Weight gain. Hemorrhoids. Nausea. None of that matters once you see that precious little being you created.
Once that precious little mini-human was placed on my chest?
Nothing else mattered.
What happened before? Was a distant memory.
I decided to do the delayed cord clamping for her added benefit, and that lasted about 2-3 minutes.
My favorite thing? Skin to skin with her.
The added closeness and bonding was nothing short of incredible.
Even now at 15 days old, I still do skin to skin with her and I love every minute of it. <3
*****
Nothing else mattered to me in this very moment.
I laid like this with her for a good 30-40 minutes.
Maybe even longer, but I lost sense of time once she arrived.
Not that I'm complaining. <3
*****
My labor and delivery was incredible.
I had the doctor I wanted to deliver Ella from the beginning there to deliver her.
No tears or lacerations.
Everything was perfect.
I may not have gotten the pictures I wanted or video.
But everything went great.
Ella was healthy.
I was healthy.
I was happy. <3
She was perfect.
In every possible way.
<3
Its a funny thing how much love your heart can have for one little being.
How much bigger your heart can grow to accommodate loving another little human <3
It's really incredible.
The love I felt in my heart on July 13, 2015 was indescribable.
It radiated off of me.
*****
She also latched like a champ when it came time to breastfeed, which is something I was adamant about wanting to do from the beginning. She latched great and I immediately felt closer to her than I already had. Breastfeeding is still going wonderfully. We occasionally supplement with formula, but 9/10 times its my breastfeeding. I haven't pumped yet either. I have a breast pump, but I want to try and exclusively breastfeed without pumping for at least 5-6 weeks. And so far so good.
*****
*****
Both of these are still when I was in the delivery room.
I looked so haggard but I didn't even care at this point.
I was so overjoyed and beyond happy. Nothing else mattered.
I had my epidural taken out, my stomach kept getting pressed on and I didn't even care. I wasn't remotely phased by it. Because my heart was bursting with so much love for this little girl that I had created. And brought into this world.
Gross fun fact: I made Ray take a picture of my placenta, LOL.
Cause I wanted to see what it looked like.
But I'll spare you all the gory details & the picture ;)
*****
Ray didn't hold Ella until we were in recovery. I did a lot of skin to skin time with her in the delivery room and then they had to take her to the nursery and do the normal stuff. But here's the first pictures of him holding his baby girl <3
*****
Even though Ray failed at pictures of my labor and delivery I made sure that he got a video of
Caleb meeting his baby sister for the very first time <3
Let me just say... seeing him seeing her for the first time?
You don't think you can have THAT much love for two little beings.
But my God you can.
My heart had to grow 1000 sizes that morning.
But my God you can.
My heart had to grow 1000 sizes that morning.
& then he got to hold her.
Which made me cry... "is this my Ella? My Ellie belly?"
<3 <3 <3 <3
*****
Already love the bond these two share together <3
And how protective he is of her.
He calls her his best friend <3
Ella also happens to be the spitting image of her brother when he was born. <3
We originally had an adorable sunflower outfit for her to come home in, but she was really small for one thing and the weather was a disgusting mess. So we opted for this adorable flamingo sleeper Caleb picked out for her.
Time to go home <3
^ First pediatricians appointment <3
& then her first trip to Target ;)
^ This was right after Ella's very first bath <3
*****
Ella also got to meet her two other siblings,
her older brother Nick and her big sister Gianna this past Saturday.
The way Ella looked at Nick, oh my goodness.
Such a precious moment. <3 She adored him.
Gianna actually cried meeting her baby sister for the first time. <3
Such an incredible day with all four of my beautiful babes <3
*****
This shirt is amazing it's called the Soothe Shirt and its by a great company called Lalabu and their motto is "simple babying"... this shirt is INCREDIBLE. You can wear your baby in it in a little "kangaroo" type pouch. Ella easily sleeps in there and it's also a nursing top. It holds babies up to fifteen pounds but mommy multitasking has met it's match with this shirt. I am able to fold laundry, do dishes, play with Caleb, even food shop.
It's stylish on top of it. And it makes baby wearing easy peasy.
Head over to their website to get your own Soothe Shirt <3
You won't regret it.
I seriously have mine in the washer every night because I wear it so much :)
*****
I am gonna brag here for a minute... because I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time. I gained 36 pounds this pregnancy. A lot more than I had wanted to and expected. My OB wasn't concerned because I hadn't gained in the beginning and lost in the middle.
This is the first time I am even saying this to anyone besides my husband...
At my 38 week OB visit, I weighed 186 pounds.
No joke. I felt like a regular humpback whale.
Seriously. I was miserable with myself.
I didn't look like I weighed 186 pounds.
But I felt like I weighed 400 pounds.
So when I finally had her I was convinced that I had a lot of work ahead of me.
This was me on June 23rd. At the Day Out with Thomas with Caleb and Ray.
I think I was 35/36 weeks and change.
But I was huge. Everything hurt.
I was constantly swollen.
The added weight of my belly was killing my hips and legs.
I really didn't think I could get ANY bigger than I was.
This is why I constantly take pictures to document progress...
^ 13 days postpartum
^This morning. 15 days postpartum.
At 4 days postpartum I weighed 170 pounds when I weighed myself at Ella's 1st pediatricians appointment - I lost 16 pounds. At her following visit 5 days later, I weighed 163 pounds. That's another 7 pounds. I haven't weighed myself since, but I actually feel really good about myself. While pregnancy is a beautiful thing, it does take a toll on a woman's body, and her body image of herself. And it did that to me. At the end I just felt gross and huge and not even appealing to my husband.
While that may not have been the case, it's definitely how I felt.
Hormones are a crazy thing.
And they can really mess with you and how you view yourself.
I know I can thank breastfeeding for a lot of this too.. you burn an extra 500 calories from breastfeeding which is a great plus for mommy besides the added benefits for baby :) <3
But the added calorie burning isn't why I'm doing it of course :)
*****
How we chose her name:
I don't really remember the reasoning behind the name Ella, or where I even heard it from.
I just know that I heard it and I fell in love with it.
And so that was her name.
Denise.
Was my mothers name.
My mother died from her second battle with cancer on
Friday, March 29, 2013
She was only fifty years old.
Mother of five.
Mee-Mom of three.
Wife of twenty-six years.
She had put up a helluva fight, even the second time around but with a diagnosis of stage 4 metastatic lung carcinoma that had already spread to her brain and her adrenal glands - the outcome was bleak. And we all knew that this was in fact the end.
She had beat cancer 12 years earlier.
Stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme.
A rare form of brain cancer with a less than 1% chance of survival.
But my mom beat it.
She kicked that cancers ass and took its name.
Doctors even used her as a medical miracle case.
Spoke about her in classes and wrote about her.
Beating that cancer was next to impossible but she did it.
So while her 2nd diagnosis hurt like hell, we couldn't feel robbed of those extra 12 years we got to spend with her. Because some people aren't as lucky.
The cancer slowly took away everything that we loved about my mom.
She suffered from aphasia which made her lose the ability to form what she wanted to say correctly.
She knew what she wanted to say, but couldn't say it.
And that never went away. This was something that occurred after her brain surgery in January 2013.
We never faltered though.
Our family is known for its ridiculous sense of humor, and we all kept my mom laughing until she couldn't anymore. We used waiting rooms as our stage to help other families smile and laugh. We made nurses and doctors laugh along with us.
To this day, people still ask me how I stayed positive and kept laughing.
To be honest? I don't know how I did it.
My world was crumbling around me.
My mother was dying, and nothing I could do or doctors could save her.
Laughter is the best medicine.
If you don't laugh you'll cry.
That was the reasoning I had behind my sense of humor.
Some took it as inappropriate but if you knew me, knew my family, you'd understand.
We knew my mom was going to finally go to Heaven. A place we knew she had dreamed of as a woman of such strong Catholic faith - which is when she passed away on Good Friday, we weren't surprised she waited until that day.
Good Friday. The same day for so many years she used to make us sit in silence from 12-3 pm because they were the hours of Christ's crucifixion. She passed away on Good Friday.
She fought up until the very end my mom. In hospice care surrounded by her kids, her husband and loved ones. She eventually lost the ability to speak, and eventually just slept. We made memories though even through the darkest of times. We shared jokes, laughter, and tears.
My mom was such a fighter and so incredibly strong, so when we found out we were having a baby girl, I KNEW that I wanted to incorporate my moms name into our baby girls name somehow.
So that is how we came up with Denise as our baby girls name.
The name of a woman who raised me, and fought up until she couldn't fight anymore.
Who kicked cancers ass once, and who's laugh and smile could brighten up the worst of days.
When Ella is old enough I can't wait to tell her about the meaning behind her name. And how wonderful of a woman my mom - her mee-mom - was. <3
Rest in Peace, Mama <3
I love you to the moon & back
11.24.62 - 03.29.13
Philippians 4:13
******
Things are going great now, 15 days later.
Ella nurses like a champ.
She sleeps pretty good, and is up 2-3 times a night.
She loves her baths & usually falls asleep in them.
She loves skin to skin time with mommy and loves the sound of her brothers voice.
She is a spitting image of her brother when he was this age and she's got the dark blue eyes right now to match her daddy and her big brother.
She loves sleeping on mama, and being rocked and sang to sleep.
<3
Her last pediatrician visit she weighed 7 pounds - after losing weight in the hospital and at the time we went home she weighed 6 lbs 9 oz. She's absolutely perfect.
My labor and delivery was incredible. And knowing that I have this precious little human as the end result I would gladly do it all over again <3
Life with the Liczbinski's just got a little bit sweeter <3
XOXO, Jenna & Ella <3
