Well I was almost certain that by getting my membranes stripped at my 37 week OB visit on Thursday that I would have a baby girl here for Independence Day.... but I guess I was wrong. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up and expected it to work, because that's probably why it didn't.
Here I sit.
4th of July.
Eating fresh pineapple.
Drinking raspberry leaf tea.
Bouncing on a birthing ball.
Blogging.
5 cm dilated.
90% effaced.
Baby is head down low and against my cervix (and bladder - as if I couldn't tell)
37 weeks + 2 days pregnant.
Minor contractions.
Nothing consistent.
I'm beyond uncomfortable.
I am so sore.
My hips hurt.
My pelvis hurts.
I feel so much pressure.
I am just so over being pregnant.
And I'm getting extremely discouraged that nothing has happened.
More so now that my membranes got stripped and nothing.
It's incredibly annoying and frustrating.
Because I want nothing more than to have my baby girl here.
And I really have done EVERYTHING.
You name it. I've done it.
I did the whole breast pump thing - nothing.
Fresh pineapple - nothing.
Raspberry leaf tea - nothing.
Sex (which isn't even enjoyable at this point) - nothing.
Walking. Squatting. Birthing ball - NOTHING.
I even did a little bit of castor oil, which gave me the shits.
And contractions but no substantial cervical changes.
So after sitting in the hospital for 10+ hours, I got sent home.
Talk about discouraging.
Upsetting. Infuriating.
ALL OF THE ABOVE.
And then to go to the OB Thursday and find out I'm 5 cm dilated, 90%, and she's head pressing down against my cervix, and getting my membranes stripped. AND THEN having nothing happen?? COME. ON.
I get the whole "let her come when she's ready" thing - I really do.
She is going to be incredibly healthy and beautiful and perfect.
But I am really just SORE. I'm in so much pain.
Sleeping lately? Impossible. I'm constantly tossing and turning. And then I'm in pain when I roll over. Getting out of bed? WHAT A JOKE. I'm literally like a turtle on it's back.
I really just want her here.
I want to hold her in my arms.
Kiss her little cheeks.
Count her 10 fingers and 10 toes.
I am just ready.
Legally they can't induce me until I'm 39 weeks...
But at what point is enough, enough??
And at what point can they admit a pregnant woman?
I'm honestly rather annoyed by my OB practice at the moment.
And that's never happened...
At 5 cm dilated and 90% effaced, I expected them to send me over.
But they didn't.
When my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart? I expected to be admitted.
But they didn't do that.
I don't want to sound like a whiner.
Or selfish.
But I'm just done with being pregnant.
I want my baby girl here and I want my body back.
Everything is ready here.
Everything.
Nursery is done. Rearranged countless times.
MamaRoo, swing, bassinet is put together.
All her clothes are washed, folded, put away.
Diapers are organized.
Her hospital bag is packed.
My bag is packed.
And still...nothing.
I wanna give up and stop trying...because they say when that happens?
Is when it happens. When you least expect it.
And what frustrates me on top of that, is I really wanted this all to happen on its own. I wanted to go into labor by myself. I don't want to have to get induced. And have a date to "show up" at the hospital. I wanted to have that out of the blue moment.
Calling Ray at work, "Babe! I'm in labor, my water broke!!!!"
or
Waking up at 3:00 am with wet sheets saying MY WATER BROKE.
And obviously babies have their own plan. I get that.
But I just had such a specific birth plan this time. And I'm getting incredibly down about it not going the way I had hoped. Maybe that's selfish of me, I don't really know. But any woman who has experienced being nine months pregnant and those last days/weeks - whatever, KNOWS what I'm feeling. That whole "get this baby out of me" type of deal.
It's just where I'm at now.
Thirty-seven weeks and two days.
And nothing.
Miserable. Tired. Uncomfortable. Sore. & Ready.
NO BABY.
No labor.
Nothing.
I am just over it.
And want her here with me.
On top of it, I'm stuck dealing with an unreliable mother in law who feels the need to cancel on us every chance she gets. Who feels the need to let my son down time and time again. Who feels the need to go against everything I say because she just does what she wants to do with no regard to how it affects those around her.
For instance. Today is the 4th of July.
We live on the main parade route, so Caleb and I literally just sit on our balcony and watch.
We invited my MIL up to watch.
She agreed and told Caleb she couldn't wait to come up and sit with him and watch.
Today comes.
It's kinda rainy, nothing major.
Not a downpour.
Plus you're gonna be indoors and theres an overhang for coverage from the rain.
She texts me and asks if they were still gonna have the parade on account of the rain.
Right then I already knew what she was going to say.
And I friggin knew I would need to inform Caleb that his grandmother would again not be here.
I told her that the town newspaper didn't mention it being cancelled.
No thunder. No lightening. Not even raining a little bit.
"This type of weather isn't really good for my lungs."
Mind you she smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day.
And I'm assuming that's not bad for her lungs, right?
Then she tells me. "I am going to go out to the parade and collect candy for Caleb cause I promised someone from work I would be out to see the parade!"
This woman is about as active as a sloth.
So I knew this wasn't going to happen.
She told Caleb.
And then texts me and says,
"I don't even feel like moving. I haven't been sleeping well."
SHE HASN'T BEEN SLEEPING WELL??!
Is she kidding?!?
This lady sleeps more than anyone I know.
(which I will get to in a moment)
So she ends up not coming upstairs with Caleb or going out front for the parade.
I'm left with my three and a half year old asking me about when his Grammy is gonna be up to see him with the candy. And she never shows up. Because she doesn't think about how she's constantly letting him down.
Time and time again we give her chances.
And she shows us how unreliable she is.
Tuesday night I was in L&D.
I was convinced I was in active labor... 2-3 minutes apart contractions.
She came up here.
We sat in the hospital all night.
Morning comes and I call to talk to Caleb because I obviously hate being away from him.
My MIL answers the phone. Tells me that my brother in law is stopping at Wawa to get her cigarettes (the ones that obviously aren't bad for your lungs that is) and some coffee for her (we have a coffee pot and coffee mind you) and donuts for Caleb. And he's dropping them off and then going to work. This is what she tells me.
Before I continue, let me tell you that my brother in law and I have a not so good history.
When I was pregnant with Caleb, and right before I married Ray his brother and I got into a huge blowup fight. My BIL actually SPIT IN MY FACE.
The most disrespectful thing you could do to a person, a "grown man" did to me.
Not only a woman. But his own brothers pregnant soon to be wife.
HIS MOTHER said that he was bipolar and cycling and had a lot going on which is why he did it.
Made excuses for his disgusting, vile actions.
From a disorder I don't even think he has.
He cycles when he doesn't get his way.
Always been that way.
Even to this day.
So time passed. And things just got progressively worse.
He also spit in his brothers face that same day and Ray put his head through a wall.
His mom still did NOTHING.
Sat there. Stone faced. And made us feel like we were at fault.
Let John do what he wanted without consequence.
Our feelings didn't matter, even then.
And I should have known at that moment that John trumps everything.
Mind you...things between us and John are far better now than before.
But that's also four years later.
Lots of crap happened in between then and now.
Fights. Arguments. All that.
He has a false sense of entitlement because he's Ray's brother which to me? Means nothing.
Just because someone is "blood" doesn't mean they aren't pieces of shit.
Only way to put it. Pardon my French.
I don't speak to one of my sisters. Why? Because she's not a nice person.
She lives in the past of who I once was and isn't supportive of me.
And I'm not cool with that.
SO it's not like I just have something against John.
Although I have never been AS disrespected by them as I was by John.
So he has a false sense of entitlement when it comes to mostly EVERYTHING.
He feels he should be allowed to do things because he's Ray's brother.
Rays mom feels the same way.
"It's still his brother Jenna. He's my son. He's still family."
Always the reason.
She brings him up constantly.
It's caused countless issues and honestly?? There were times when I thought Ray and I would split because of her. Because she never seemed to care about pitting him and I against one another for the sake of her own personal gain. Example: when we did the gender reveal... It's really a woman thing. I have never heard a man say, "OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT GENDER REVEAL PARTY!!!" So we were having a few people here. Couple of my girlfriends. My dad, my sister Julia (and the baby's Godmother) and Ray's mom. His mom automatically brings up John coming. I say no, and immediately spirals outta control. "He is gonna feel so left out...he's so down. He's gonna feel unwanted." SOB STORY. Again. All the time. Then it's "you guys can tell him because I'm not telling him he's not going to be included." So he wasn't gonna get his way, so he was naturally gonna lose his mind. Temper tantrums. NOT bipolar disorder. He's a master manipulator.
Long story short? He ended up being here for it.
Why? Because we were sick of dealing with the bullsh*t from his mom.
Ray didn't see why he had to be here. His mom pushed me over the edge with that.
Something that had literally NOTHING to do with him and was entirely about US and our growing family, she made ALL ABOUT HIM. It's a vicious cycle with her. One that will never end.
Fast forward to now. Things are better. I don't go out of my way to hang out with John.
I don't not include him. But I don't include him in all I do either.
I have my own family to worry about.
He's 30 years old and can do things for himself.
(or so you'd think - but the coddling his mom does is ridiculous).
Things are better. It's easier to let things go and not hold grudges.
It's better for MY SANITY AND WELL BEING IN THE LONG RUN
but lets not confuse that with him getting whatever he wants.
Rays mom lives BEHIND US. Her apartment literally TOUCHES OURS.
John lives with her.
When she moved back there - I won't even lie it was like we didn't matter.
She has almost an unhealthy obsession with him.
But anyway...
I told her when I go into labor I don't want John here.
She can be up here to babysit Caleb.
BUT NOT JOHN.
Nothing personal against him. But I want Caleb focused on.
Because having a new sibling is a big change for a three and a half year old.
Right? Right.
So Tuesday night I was in L&D.
The next day she tells me he's dropping off cigarettes and coffee and he's LEAVING.
Why would she follow what she told me wouldn't happen?
On top of everything else that day... Ray calls his moms phone and John answers.
He's still at my house.
Never left.
Been there the whole time.
and I am furious.
I had one thing I wanted her to follow.
And she couldn't do that.
And I wasn't even having the baby yet.
It wasn't even him being up here as much as it was her doing what SHE WANTED rather than what I had told her. This is my house, not hers. Caleb is MY SON, not hers.
She might think she can do what she wants because her son is Caleb's father, but no, not the case.
So I was automatically more pissed and aggravated than I already was.
I came in from the hospital and ignored her. Didn't say anything.
Ray and I fought about it.
Because he didn't see the big deal.
Which he wouldn't because he makes a lot of excuses for his mom and her actions.
And again let me reiterate this....
It wasn't John being up here.
It was his mother lying to me and completely disregarding what I said.
So she goes back to work.
And emails me during the day about "how much fun we had" - we is her and John.
Doesn't once apologize or mention John being up here without permission.
NOT FRIKKIN ONCE.
But I'm supposed to just deal with it.
She then emails me and lets me know that SHE TOOK A NAP AND JOHN KEPT AN EYE ON CALEB BECAUSE SHE HADN'T SLEPT WELL.
This was what set me off. I got home around 1130-1145 am. Caleb woke up for her around here at 8:15 am. So she couldn't wait to nap and let John - someone who can barely take care of themselves watch my son. So NOW I am beyond pissed at her. And I don't want to speak to her. Because I don't see how hard it is to stay awake. What if John hadn't been here? Still gonna nap and let my 3 year old do what he wants?? Do I think John would do anything? Absolutely not. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I had HER come up to babysit. Not John.
Forever unreliable.
Asked her if she could watch Caleb ONE NIGHT when I had the baby so Ray could stay with me in the hospital.
"Probably not. I can't hear real well, so I wouldn't hear Caleb, and I gotta make sure that John would have dinner." BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Really though?!?!
John is 30 years old. A "grown up" by any one else standards. But no, she needs to make excuses.
She's lazy and doesn't wanna have to do more than she should.
But she always acts like "super proud Grammy"
Now if I said, "john can come up" I BET YOU her tune would change and she would come up WITHOUT QUESTION OR HESITATION.
That's how she is.
If John is involved? OKAY.
Not involved? Count her out.
That's like for Ray's birthday back in March. She was supposed to come babysit because we were going out for his birthday. Dinner and a movie. We had it planned out.
Hadn't had a date night since January.
Guess what? She bailed.
Because "her back hurt" and John couldn't come up.
She said she was even gonna suggest John come up and babysit for us but she knew it was a no no.
She actually TOLD ME - didn't ask - that John was coming up to help her.
I flat out told her no.
and she bailed.
We never went out to dinner for Ray's birthday.
Still haven't had a date night since January.
And you'd think something like the BIRTH OF A CHILD would be something that could go smoothly in terms of having help when the time comes.
Apparently not when it comes to her.
So now I gotta scramble to find someone else to watch Caleb - IN CASE - she ends up bailing on us. My husband says - "no babe it'll be fine" but I don't think so.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I shouldn't be stressed out when it comes to this moment.
I should be able to completely 110% rely on her to come up without question to babysit Caleb - her grandson. I shouldn't have to worry about her asking if John can come up with her. And then turn it into "he's so excited and can't wait".. blah blah blah.
THIS IS MY MOMENT. OUR MOMENT.
A HUGE MOMENT FOR CALEB.
And she shouldn't be opening her mouth about anyone else being involved.
But here I am... due any frigging day...and this is what I'm dealing with.
My family lives in NJ. They aren't close by.
My best friend Jamie lives in NJ. Not close by.
She would come up, but still. Something like that happens quick.
I should know that I'm able to call my MIL.
Tell her, hey I'm in labor.
And she comes right up.
Doesn't ask who can come with her.
I should be able to go have a baby and be confident that my house and rules are being respected and that MOST IMPORTANTLY my child is being well taken care of by the person I allowed to babysit him. Not by someone else so they can nap.
I don't think that's so wrong. And if it is? Then things have changed.
I told my husband... so what's gonna happen I do go have the baby and she comes up. And she lets john comes up because she "needs" something. And then you come home to get Caleb to come to the hospital to see his baby sister and John is here. And you tell your mom to come see the baby and John is here. Is he going to expect to come? Because he's here. And my MIL doesn't want him left out? Is that how it's gonna go.
My husband of course says "no babe it wouldn't go that way. John knows we aren't doing many hospital visitors..." okay. So john might know that. But it doesn't mean he's not gonna have a hissy fit. And your mom isn't. Because it's "just John" and he "is so excited too."
Why is something like the birth of our child being made about a thirty year old man??!
Whether he feels left out or not... I missed the part where that's problem because I do not care.
While things are better with John. And I don't mind him being around sometimes, theres a time and a place. He says inappropriate things. Makes weird comments and is overly loud.
If I say NO to the hospital - it means no.
If someone wants to attempt to undermine my decision? They can stay home themselves.
That is one moment that will not be ruined for myself, and my family.
I REFUSE TO ALLOW THAT.
& IT WILL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL WHEN THAT DOES HAPPEN.
MARK MY WORDS.
Family or not means nothing.
That doesn't go just for John either.
It goes for anyone that would assume they have some right.
Point blank period.
My plan is this as of this moment...
No hospital visitors.
Caleb. Ray. - that's it.
My MIL.
My dad is welcome to come up but he's further away.
NO HOME VISITORS FOR AT LEAST 3 WEEKS.
With the exception of my dad, because he lives further away.
Possibly my sister Julia and brother Richie because they're the baby's godparents
but even then I am not 100% sure. I'll be traveling down there, so they can always wait until we go down.
That's it. I waited 9 months to give birth and hold my baby girl. And I am not going to be bombarded like I was when I had Caleb. I am going to be respected as will MY decisions.
I understand Ray is the baby's father.
I respect his opinions, his thoughts, and views.
But at the end of the day?
I am the one who gave birth.
I pushed a baby out.
I carried that baby for nine long months.
I went through the pain. The discomfort.
I was in labor.
NOT HIM.
And that is NOT in any way a form of disrespect...
but I am the one calling the shots and making those final decisions in who is able to come up and who is not. No one else. Point blank. Period.
This is one time I am putting my foot down and not letting anyone manipulate to get their way to gain their own happiness. If anyone disrespects my choices in this... they will be immediately cut out of my life. Regardless of who they are ; Family or not.
People might find this unreasonable.
Find me to be an asshole or a bitch.
And that's fine.
I respect that you feel that way.
But until you've dealt with the situations that I have.
And the manner and times in which I've dealt with them?
You really can't say anything about it.
Because it's been far from easy.
I have bit my tongue more than once about it.
I've allowed him here even when things weren't going well...
because our closer relationship with John just started within the past 2-3 months.
When his mom lived here? We let him here for holidays, etc. More than once.
I have gone out of my way to do nice things for him.
Invited them both up. Not just her.
But when it comes to saying no? I'm not respected.
My wishes are disrespected.
My rules are disrespected.
My home is disrespected.
Which in turn is disrespecting me.
And that's something I'm not cool with.
So as my pregnancy dwindles down, this is what I'm dealing with.
Putting up with. When I could deliver any day now.
[[Sigh]]
Will it ever end?
Happy Fourth<3
- xoxo - Jenna
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