From the time I was young I was always taught that
respect is something that is earned; not just given.
As I grew up I quickly learned that a lot of people demand respect
when it's something they really don't deserve because they don't extend it to others themselves.
You see this often with older people who feel that because of their seniority that they automatically should GET this respect while treating others poorly.
Not everyone is like this though of course.
I am almost always respectful to everyone I encounter
because that's how I was raised.
To basically not be an asshole to people.
Again though as I grew up I quickly realized that you'll encounter many assholes and not many nice people. I can't stand going into a store and seeing someone treat an employee like they are lesser than them because of their job, or talking to someone like they don't matter because they're taking your food order.... These are people handling your food so there's a cardinal rule when it comes to that.
You don't mess with people that are handling your food.
It's a big no no.
LOL, if you haven't seen the movie Waiting? I recommend doing so.
ANYWHO.
That's not what this about - restaurants and employees.
What happens when you're disrespected by people in your own family?
Immediate or through marriage.
It's a tough thing to go through. Because you don't wanna flip the pot.
You want to maintain the respect you have for others, but at the same time that respect should be reciprocated. Especially when it's supposed to be an adult giving you the respect.
And what happens when this same adult undermines your choices, decisions and rules by going to their son or daughter? How in the world do you handle THAT?
This is something I'm currently faced with.
On a daily basis pretty much.
What happens when your mother in law feels the need to disrespect your choices and decisions and go to your husband because she thinks she will get her way? & what happens when your husband just doesn't want to get involved because he doesn't want the confrontation?
In a way, I guess I get it.
Not wanting to upset/disappoint your wife AND your mother.
But on the other hand, I feel like when is enough, enough?
When is the line in the sand drawn? When do you have to take the gloves off and throw "respect" out the window and turn to being an asshole to someone?
This is what's going on...
From the beginning of my pregnancy I was pretty adamant about having no visitors in the hospital.
This wasn't something I decided within the past week.
It's been from the BEGINNING.
No vistors - except Caleb (duh), my father and my mother in law.
When I had Caleb I was overwhelmed quickly.
Bombarded by people.
Not that I wasn't thrilled with who came to visit.
I partially blame the hospital because of the influx of people they allowed at one time.
But still.
Ray's mom was in the delivery room when Caleb was born. I arrived after 8:00 am. Got situated.
IV. Answered the usual questions. Blah, blah, blah.
And had Caleb by 12:00 pm.
Ray's mom didn't leave until 8:30 that night.
So she was there for a good 12+ hours.
To me, that's excessive.
Giving birth is exhausting.
Too many people forget that.
Not to mention I waited 9 months to finally have my baby.
Some alone time would be nice.
So I didn't have much time alone that first night and then visitors were nonstop until we left.
So when I found out I was expecting this time, I immediately said NO VISITORS AT THE HOSPITAL EXCEPT FOR THOSE I SAID WERE OKAY.
One night we went out to dinner.
Me, Caleb, my husband, my mother in law and my brother in law.
We somehow got into the discussion of where I was delivering and blah blah.
I had made the comment about no visitors.
My brother in law immediately chimed in stating,
"So me and mom can't come up to the hospital?"
to which I replied,
"Mom is allowed up. And my dad. Nobody else."
This obviously pissed him off.
And his mother as well.
Even though she already knew what we had planned.
But did she chime in and defend us? No of course not.
I knew that as time progressed this would continue to be an issue.
It would get brought up again and again and I would consistently have to reiterate what I said.
Patience dwindling each time.
Fast forward to now.
July 8, 2015.
I am 37 weeks + 6 days pregnant.
38 weeks tomorrow.
Due any day now.
I have reiterated MY decision to my mother in law again.
Just yesterday in fact.
I told her that I had decided that we aren't allowing anyone but her and my dad at the hospital once I finally have the baby. And when I do have her - we decide the time.
[ Before I had said we had POSSIBLY CONSIDERED having my brother in law up to the hospital but it was a CONSIDERATION AND POSSIBILITY - nothing more - and that it shouldn't be taken as a definite yes because we had only THOUGHT about it. ]
Of course with someone like my MIL - who feels that false sense of entitlement constantly - she heard what she wanted to hear. Which to her was, "John can come to the hospital because he's Ray's brother." Which is typical.
Whether or not she told John of our possible consideration, I don't know.
But now I am again dealing with the stress and aggravation of a pain in the ass in-law.
I contacted my mother in law yesterday and told her about the game plan.
No hospital visitors.
Except Caleb. Her. My dad.
[Since my dad is in NJ, he's able to come to my house before the allotted time period if he can't make it to the hospital.]
NO VISITORS AT OUR HOUSE FOR 3 WEEKS.
If not more. Unless I decide otherwise, or invite someone up.
She of course immediately took this "personally" and went behind my back and contacted Ray.
Basically saying "what about your brother? this isn't fair to him. He's going to be devastated. Jenna said you were considering letting him come to the hospital & now he isn' allowed. He just wants to see his niece. He wasn't allowed around when Caleb was born, and it wasn't fair then and it's not fair now. I am not going to tell John he isn't allowed there. You can tell him."
See what I mean?
She heard what SHE wanted to hear.
Nothing more, nothing less.
We said "possibly considering..."
She heard, "he can come to the hospital with you."
It's how it always goes.
I told her no other visitors.
She had a hissy fit.
This same thing happened when it came to our gender reveal get together.
She complained because we didn't invite my brother in law.
I mean really complained.
"John is going to feel so unwanted. He's going to be so hurt. You can tell him he's not welcome. I'm not doing this to him. This is SO unfair."
Guess what? She ended up getting her way, and he came to the gender reveal.
Whats worse? He was incredibly rude to me the entire time.
Ate 90% of the food we had out.
Barely said 4 words to me.
Not congratulations either.
Then tried taking 99% of the chocolate baby girl lollipops a friend of mine had made.
& got FURIOUS when I told him no.
- It wasn't like he tried to take 2-3. He was loading his pockets with 10+ of these things.
No exaggeration.
This time around, I'm doing things differently.
This isn't a gender reveal party.
Birthday party.
Family dinner.
Or a BBQ.
THIS IS THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER.
A CHILD I GREW INSIDE OF MY BODY FOR 9 MONTHS.
Why is it that something that should be completely about
US
is being made about someone who's been pretty much absent
and a pretty big jerk for the majority of the time that I've known him?
A false sense of entitlement. THATS WHY.
She's been so used to getting whatever she wanted for God knows how long that she expects this to be the same way. She expects to throw a hissy fit and get her way and have Ray's brother come to the hospital when the baby is born because he's "family" and it's unfair to him to not be included again.
Even though this isn't about him.
What's unfair is that she won't stop harping on the issue.
She won't stop going behind my back.
Complete and utter disrespect.
No matter how you slice it.
Respect isn't given. It's EARNED.
No matter who you are.
Family, friend, acquaintance, a complete stranger.
You can't demand respect but not give it.
What she's doing is beyond disrespectful.
To me.
My family.
And my marriage.
She has no issue pitting my husband and I against one another over her wants.
Which is another issue in itself. 9 times out of 10 my husband doesn't want to get involved. Because I guess he doesn't want to upset me and butt heads with his mom. Which part of me understands. But then again, when is enough, enough?
So now here I sit.
Hours or days from delivering my daughter.
And I'm unsure of what is going to occur when I finally do have her.
When I was in L&D the other night she had no issue having my brother in law up here even though I told her the answer was no. She saw nothing wrong with him being up here because she "needed coffee, donuts and cigarettes"..so to her, there was nothing wrong.
Which okay, him dropping that stuff off is fine.
I really don't care.
But when I spoke to her when I was at the hospital she told me he was just dropping it off and then going to work. But when I got home - he was still here. And I was furious about it.
Which caused a fight between Ray and I.
It wasn't an issue of him being here. It was more so her complete lack of respect.
For my home.
My rules.
My situation.
After spending 9+ hours in the hospital.
In pain. Awake. And leaving with no baby,
that's the last thing I wanted to come home too.
Ray of course said I was acting ridiculous and it wasn't a big deal.
And he has trouble realizing that it's not John being at the house...
ITS HER GOING BEHIND MY BACK AND BEING A HYPOCRITE.
That's my issue.
Then finding out that she took a nap and let John babysit my son?
Nope. Not okay.
Not even remotely.
Guy can't even take care of himself.
My husband of course didn't acknowledge that either.
So now I am days/hours away from delivering
and this is what I'm dealing with.
So what do I do?
How do I handle the situation?
Most people say to ignore it.
Do what I originally planned on doing.
Tell her to basically piss off and suck it up and respect my choices and decisions.
But how do you do that? When you were raised differently.
It's hard to disrespect someone and be nasty even when they do deserve it.
Regardless of who they might be.
I mean that's what makes it tough.
That it is my mother in law.
She's family by marriage.
Why should I have to be stressing about this now?
Especially now.
I shouldn't have to worry that she's going to just bring him to the hospital.
Or that she's going to bring up him coming when I do have her.
I really shouldn't have to deal with this at all.
My husband should back me up 110% on this.
Verbally. To her.
He does agree with me and what I want.
But he won't tell her to back off.
And nothing she says or does will ruin the birth of my daughter.
Nothing.
Period.
But she shouldn't make the birth of a child about someone who's not even involved.
And really has nothing to do with us.
But I can't help but think (know) she's going to bring it up again.
Like when Ray comes home to pick up Caleb to bring him to the hospital and his mom is here...
I can guarantee one of two things.
1. She will have John here. Despite what I already told her. So when Ray says she can come up too - he's gonna expect to be invited. Because his mom didn't tell him no. Even though I did. And she thinks that Ray will feel bad about it. SO she will say "well John too?"
2. She will ask about him coming up.
How messed up is it that something so beautiful, amazing, and happy is going to be made about him?? Someone not even involved.
And I am not going to budge on my decisions.
It has nothing to do with him personally ...although he is loud, obnoxious and makes tons of inappropriate annoying remarks. I'm not having ANYONE ELSE come up.
No one.
I'm not singling him out. Being malicious or bitchy.
Why can't she just respect what I want.
And this might sound terrible...but Ray has no say in this.
I am the one carrying this child.
I am the one giving birth.
Getting poked and prodded by doctors.
I'll be the one in pain.
Not him, ME.
So at the end of the day.
I have the final say in everything.
Who comes to visit. Who doesn't.
Not him. Not her. Nobody but me.
And I don't want to have to tell the nurses who's allowed in.
I shouldn't have to have a list of people.
Especially when the list is of 2 people.
Two friggin people.
Why is this even a friggin issue?!?
Ugh.
And what I really don't want to do is LEAVE HIS MOM OUT.
Despite the fact that she's disrespectful and drives me insane... she still is my mother in law. She's done a lot for me. But there's still the issue of her lack of respect for me.
And my marriage (essentially).
Maybe it's time I play "no more Mrs. Nice Girl".
And I throw the respect thing out the window?
I'm honestly torn on what to do.
because I don't want to stoop that low, but at the same time when is
ENOUGH ENOUGH?!
She's a grown woman.
She should know better.
She should respect what I want.
What her son wants.
This is about us.
Not her. Not her other son.
BUT US.
I shouldn't be experiencing this aggravation and stress right before I have a baby.
Especially not because of her.
I guess we will see what happens when I do finally deliver.
What I will do.
How I will handle it.
Just how I will respond to her.
But I can say this... IF (when) she brings it up when I'm in the hospital (and I am pretty certain she will because that's how she is - she likes doing things the day of - like when she bailed on babysitting so we could go out for my husbands [her sons] birthday because I told her that no, John wasn't allowed up here that night so she cancelled and said she couldn't watch him)... I am 100% sure that I will lose my mind. And basically cut her out of my life until further notice. And I can say with 100% certainty that I will not care who's offended - even if it is my husband. Because I have had enough of the bullshi* and games and the tit for tat. And I don't have time for the childish games and immaturity from a sixty+ year old woman who's acting like she isn't getting candy in the checkout aisle of a toy store. But I'm pretty positive she will bring it up. And I am almost certain she will try to get him to come up here when we are here BEFORE the time frame I've put into place. I guess only time will tell.
But it should make for an interesting blog update.
Xoxo, Jenna
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